


Falling Apart

by jeweldancer



Series: Where You Go, I Go [4]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Anxiety, F/M, Panic Attack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-07
Updated: 2015-07-07
Packaged: 2018-04-08 05:19:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,576
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4292211
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jeweldancer/pseuds/jeweldancer
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Main character has an anxiety attack while thinking about Dean and Sam going on a dangerous hunt; Dean and Castiel try to help her through it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Falling Apart

"Sam, you're a lifesaver." She started gathering up the papers lying around the table. "Thanks so much for looking over that chapter." 

"No problem, sweetie. I'll keep an eye out for that book, I think it'll be just what you need." 

"That's okay, I know you and Dean got a lot going on right now. I'm going to search around for it this afternoon.

Dean's head popped up from behind a stack of books. "Did somebody say something to me?"

She normally liked it when she and the brothers worked semi-together in the library. They researched for cases, she worked on her writing, and sometimes they collaberated. When everyone had been quiet for too long, someone would suggest ice cream. Or pie. 

This time was different, though. Sam and Dean were planning a re-do of the failed vampire nest attack from two weeks ago. She knew they had to, she knew they'd never stop until they were successful, but that didn't mean she had to like it. Sneaking into the nest to save them had brought home the realities of their job like nothing else had. If she were honest with herself, she'd admit that one reason she'd asked Sam to proofread her chapter was to stall their research a bit. Keep them with her for a little longer.

She went back to the shelves to search for the volume on mountain superstitions that Sam had suggested. Dean called Sam over to look at a map with a plan of attack drawn on it. They spoke softly to each other about weapons and camoflage and routes of escape. Her chest felt tight and her heart was hammering uncontrollably. She took some deep breaths and tried to push away the feeling that her mind was melting.

"There could be more of them this time, Sam," Dean was saying, when she suddenly got up and rushed out of the library, without saying a word. Sam watched her with his mouth open. "What's with her?"

"I dunno," Dean replied, rubbing his temples. "She's been in a weird mood all day. I'm just gonna let her be for a while."

Cas was silent for a minute, as if he were listening to something. "She is not in a bad mood, Dean. I think she may be ill. You should check on her."

Dean slammed his book shut and rushed to her bedroom. He knocked twice on the closed door. No answer. He pushed the door open and crept inside, whispering her name softly. She was sitting on the floor beside her bed on the far side of the room. Her head was in her hands, and her elbows were resting on her knees. Dean spoke her name again as he knelt next to her, but she didn't answer.

"Baby, what's wrong? Talk to me." Dean was getting a little frantic. She wasn't the silent treatment type. "Are you sick?"

She raised her head and took a few deep breaths. "It's okay, Dean," she replied shakily. She paused to take some more breaths. "I'm trying really hard not to have an panic attack right now."

Dean was starting to feel a little panicky himself. He was used to her melancholy episodes, and reassuring her in anxious moments, but this was something he knew nothing about. "What can I do, tell me what to do..." he trailed off as he realized his anxiety was adding to hers. He lowered himself to the floor quietly, and leaned back against the bed next to her. 

He stared straight ahead as he listened to her breathe. "Go away, go away, go away..." she chanted to herself. 

"Okay, baby, I'll leave," he said quietly.

"Yeah, not talking to you. Stay where you are."

"Um, okay." Dean shifted uncomfortably. They sat there together for a few minutes before he couldn't stand it anymore. He was a man of action, but he was afraid anything he did would make her worse. Should he touch her? He whispered, "Is there anything I can do?"

"Hold my hand. Squeeze the hell out of it. I mean it."

"That I can do." Dean grasped her hand tightly, and she clung to it like a lifeline. After a while she breathed deeply and eased her grip. 

"How do you feel?"

"Not great, but about 50% better."

Dean got up and rummaged in the pile of clothes in the chair next to the bed until he came up with her favorite t-shirt, the one that had been washed a thousand times and was so soft it was almost like having nothing on. He helped her unbutton her blouse and slide it on. "C'mon. Let's get in bed."

He curled around her and wrapped his arm very gently around her waist. She shook her head. "No. Harder." 

He gripped her tightly. "Is that okay? Does that help?" 

"Yeah. Makes me feel like I'm not going to fall apart." She put her hand over his and held on.

"As long as you need, then. Just breathe, baby. Breathe with me."

He held her for about half an hour until she finally rolled over and exhaled loudly. "I'm okay. Mostly. I'm sorry you had to see that."

"Shh, sweetie. Don't apologize. I just didn't know what to do. I hope it was okay."

"It was good. And much better than anyone's ever done before."

"What did they do?"

"Umm, mostly said 'Stop acting like a fucking idiot.'"

Dean considered this. "Holy shit. Really?"

"Yep." She looked into his eyes. "I'll thank you more eloquently when I feel better, but for now I want you to know I'm grateful."

"You're welcome, but I'm your man. That's what I do. And now I'm going to get you something to eat. It'll help."

"Not all men would do that," she murmured as he rolled out of bed.

In a few minutes he returned with a sandwich and a Coke. He pulled her over to lean up against his chest as she ate. The caffeine cleared her head a bit. "Listen, Dean," she burst out suddenly. "I'm really sorry I'm not normal and shit." 

That made him laugh a little. "Baby, don't worry about being normal. Do you know how many times I've died?"

She frowned. "I don't even want to think about that. But I wonder if you wouldn't be better off with someone who doesn't have my problems. I...I feel like a box that looks okay on the outside, but when you open it up everything's smashed to bits. I'm broken inside." 

"Okay, I'm gonna stop you right there. You are not broken. I won't listen to you talk like that anymore. You're my angel and I love you and you are perfect for me. Period, end of story." 

"I'm really afraid this time, Dean. I can't shake this feeling that something bad is going to happen."

"Something bad may happen. That's the job."

"I know. But I want to help. I just don't know how. I can't kill vampires with you. I don't know what I'm doing and I'd just get you hurt."

"I'll tell you what you can do. When I come back--which I will--you can hold me and take care of me and tell me everything's going to be all right."

"That's what I always do."

"And that's exactly what I need. You keep me going, baby. I'd be dead inside without you."

There was a soft knock at the door, and Castiel burst in. "Cas!" Dean snapped. "You're supposed to wait til I tell you to come in."

"She thought it, so I came in. I was worried. Sam wouldn't let me come in before."

Castiel sat down on the bed next to her. "Well, yes, of course you can join us in bed," Dean said, rolling his eyes.

"Thank you, Dean. It's most hospitable of you." Cas was, of course, oblivious to Dean's stormy expression. "I wanted to talk to you both, and this is very convenient. I know, my dear, that you are often in pain, and it grieves me to tell you that I cannot heal you from this. It is so much a part of who you are, that it is inseparable from you."

"Castiel, love, I didn't expect anything like that."

"Let me finish. While I cannot change that, when you are experiencing what Sam informs me is a panic attack, I can help. You only have to call and I will come."

"Castiel, you are truly an angel. But I am able to get through panic attacks, and me calling for you might distract you from something more important. What I want is for you to take care of Dean when I can't."

Castiel's face lit up in a smile. "This I can promise to do my best at, for Dean is very dear to me also."

Dean made a choking noise. "I'm gonna barf now."

"Too bad, baby. You're stuck with the both of us," she laughed. "Cas, you wanna watch a movie?"

"Yes, I would like that. Can we see Captain America again?" Cas put his feet up on the bed and leaned back against the pillows.

"Well, this isn't friggin weird at all," Dean muttered. 

"Good, I'm glad to hear that, Dean. Perhaps we might text Sam and he could bring us some popcorn and beverages?" 

"Geez, where are we going to put Sam?"

"Next to Cas, of course. Plenty of room."


End file.
